I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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