I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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