i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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