i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
