he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
