1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I had to cum in my sink.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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