I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just googled if crying burns calories
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
