I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I intend to get homeless drunk
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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