I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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