We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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