Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
