I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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