I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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