Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
