Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
