im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
