I love how my cats smell like pot.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
