My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
