I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
