Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
