In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
