Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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