Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
