I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
