A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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