wanna go halves on a baby?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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