Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
