I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize