I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
