I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You did what with his pubic hair?
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