Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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