No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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