im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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