Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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