ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
