I didn't shave. On purpose
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
