It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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