if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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