if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
