Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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