Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
