We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
