My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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