Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
