the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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