So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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