You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Pants are for mortals
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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