remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.