Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
