from now on my penis is your penis
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we're making bets on your personal life
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies