this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed