her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line