Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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