I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
