Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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