Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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