Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
