When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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