Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
