dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
