I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
