Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
