Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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