he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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