I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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