i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
